Woke up crying with Lee telling me it will be OK Mom. How is it fair that a 15 year old is comforting me, the Mom? I am so blessed! Her reaction last night was really upsetting as her first words were “It’s not fair Mom, why does it happen to you, you didn’t do anything wrong!” Well me being happy and cheerful and believing things happen for a reason did not work with her…. obviously. But I am, and I do. So waking up this morning crying was a real disappointment to me. I have to be the strong one, the convincing one that all is good. I will do the pills, the exercises, the brain puzzles…… whatever it takes, I will do it.
My worst heartache was telling my father yesterday. When he came in that door I just put my arms around him and cried and cried. He did not know what was wrong and kept asking and I just kept crying. I pictured him with my Gran, his mother, not recognising him with her Alzheimer’s disease and how it affected him so it was really hard to tell him. He was visibly upset when I told him and I felt so much worse. I am sure the memories just came flying back. So he cried for her and for me. Double whammy!!!
And the tears kept flowing….. so I guess I had a “feel sorry for me” day! Then another moment I will never forget. Our dear friend Wim phoned me to ask how I was and sounded so concerned. He shared that Jan had phoned him last night sobbing and so worried about me. Could not believe it, i know he loves me, I know he cares for me…. but this was not my Jan. I have never seen him cry! He then phoned my Dad later that day to promise him he would look after me, and cried all over again. I am really concerned about him, he is really taking it so badly! Mom also had a few moments today, but mostly strong. So now the “feel sorry for me” is over and there are too many people affected that love me……. so I am OK, and I will be OK.