Today I decided to catch up on my sewing! Jan’s pants and their hems (how?), Mike’s shorts (always torn at the crotch…. another how?) but I could not thread the needle on the sewing machine. I don’t mean putting the cotton through the needle, I mean threading it through the machine. I tried, laughed, “no man I’ve done this a million times”, (to myself) and tried again and again…. Finally I took the manual out and figured it out. A real sign of my slow beginnings of Alzhymer’s? Well maybe! So I proceeded to mark all the buttons on my machine. Length, width, tension etc. etc. some advice actually used from all the books I have, and am in the middle of reading.
I went to a talk for a course for Michael before that, “The Making of a Champion” with some parents and kids from Mike’s cricket team. Once again I screwed up on calling Keith Kevin….. The name thing again. Anyway standard joke with a guy called Adriaan who I called Paul all day, introduced me as Mandy. Cute! The lighter side …….. If only he knew, actually not, but you know what I mean.
For any of you reading this who have been diagnosed with early AD you will know it is a doubting game with almost every action you do. This is an inside scream which is hard to share. It’s a constant wonder, wonder if it is your disease causing the stupidity, wonder if it’s just normal. (No offense to the word “stupidity” but stupid and useless is a feeling I often feel). This leads to doubt and insecurity, within yourself. No one knows that it is constantly on your mind…. And I really am a positive person ☺️. But it’s there, all the time. And then there’s the wonder if your family who knows you have it, wonders the same thing when you do something unusual.. Or stupid 😉. Vicious circle I’m afraid.
I have a very strong faith in God. I do believe he has got me through a lot in my life. But I am not one to preach, never. I know my son also has a strong faith so I remind him often to pray and use it throughout his life. But my daughter Lee has too many questions and is still finding what she believes in. You may ask what this has to do with Alzhymer’s? Well when I tried to bring God up in a conversation in December she replied “If God was so good why would he give you, such a good person, a disease like this Mom, it’s just not fair?” It hit me like a brick wall, broke my heart actually. It made me realize she might need help with this. Where though, and how? I am still working around this! Not my belief, but the reason why she is so skeptical. It’s scarey!